Virtual fantasy

Why was the internet so slow? Mary glanced at the download button on her screen, it was not even half done. It was porn, Mary was downloading porn. It was bad enough that she was using the office Wi-Fi to do it but it was taking forever and she would miss her train.
Someone walked by her desk and she giggled. This was probably a virus. Some tech would come to fix her desktop and look at her browser history to find lesbian porn. They would never believe it was her though. But it would suck not going home to old movies and instant noodles.
The videos were supposed to take the edge off. Mary had not quite recovered from the meeting with Isabel in the train earlier that week. Instead of calling her, Mary decided that building a fantasy with virtual women was much less frustrating than nursing one of a straight woman. Her computer pinged with the end of the download. Five minutes later Mary was on her way to the station hoping and dreading that Isabel will take the train again.
Isabel did not take the train. And porn was a racket.
“Should have just downloaded erotica.” Mary said into a pillow.
She had never slept with a woman. She could just say the word sex without dissolving in her own sweat. That aside, lesbian porn could not have been meant for gay women. She should have seen it coming. It was ridiculous and fake, who even says things like that? After a few hours, and multiple replays, she took a shower and went to bed.
Mary tried to never think about the future. After graduation, many of the girls had got married, some had babies. Others had plans to do those things. She had no such options. The worst thing about it was not that she was illegal, and what would come from her family, friends, city. Mary never worried too much about the fallout because she had always known there would never be one. Mary wanted to meet someone, to love a woman and grow old with her. But that could only happen in the light, and her kind was trapped in the dark.
She lay on her bed avoiding thoughts that she spent all day running away from. Some of the girls who had gone on to get married were just like her. She remembered them, she had envied them their lack of shame. Then college came and went and it turned out they were experimenting. She had not been sure what that meant. Mary imagined where those girls were now, playing out roles and maybe sacrificing freedom for safety.
Wherever they were, it had to beat what she was doing. Or maybe not. Mary could not think of anything worth a lifetime of sex with a man, certainly not acceptance by society.
Tomorrow, she would download erotica. Maybe even see if she could score something from a book store. This was Nairobi, you could find anything in the green city under the sun.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s