Meeting El Chapo

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The following story is told exactly as it occurred in my head. The names and characters are fictional despite their stark similarities to some people who might just happen to have the same name. 

 

“Hey Ballsy, you eat balls for breakfast?” Oh! Wow! I had totally underestimated Whole Milk’s (I don’t know fatty the bully’s name yet) ability to conjure up a nickname other than Balls.

My last name is Ball. It was pretty much right before his face (no pervy pun intended). “No, just a normal meal but 5,362 calories less than yours” came my response. I just couldn’t tone the insult down to any milder setting. His attempt to bully me had failed and his ‘squad’ members were winning Oscars trying to hold back their laughs. He tried to punch me but I gave him the karl Drogo eyes. It brainwashed him long enough for Mr.Einstein, my physics teacher, to intervene and send them to class. I like Mr.Einstein, he’s one of those rare teachers that teach you real stuff like how to ‘Walter White’ a science experiment.

Funny enough that wasn’t the worst moment of my first day at Shitville High. I was suspended for drug use. Here’s how it went down:

10:00am       : Ms. Trump starts class and teaches us how to discriminate tactically and effectively, select   races

10:10am       : Lindsey, to my left, gives me 5 dollars and gestures me to pass it to El Chapo, which I do.

10:10am still: El Chapo passes me a pouch with green herbal tea leaves to pass to Lindsey.

10:11am       : I realize its weed.

10:11am still: Ms. Trump sees me holding the devil’s pubes.

10:11am yeah yeah: Ms. Trump dies, resurrects and sends me to Ms. Cray’s office (they all seem to be                divorced or widowed)

10: 13am-10:15am: I tell the whole story exactly as it occurred.

10:39am: El Chapo is given a warning. I get suspended for being blackish.

2:00pm: My mum curses in her native language.


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