There is no horror as exquisite or awkward as the shared knowledge that a condom broke after the fact. It comes in many colors, the boneheaded recklessness that is a failed ‘pulling out’, the unsettling aftermath of drunken boning where no one quite remembers, and the faltering of an insane but persistent safe days old wives tale. Thus, the pregnancy scare.
Day 1: Acceptance
So it is a little late. The uterus makes its own rules on this type of thing. Maybe it is having a leap year. There is nothing to worry about. If babies really were punishment for bad choices the world would have at least ten billion more people. And a bad choice was made- perhaps a string of them but it is all good. Statistically speaking, conception is super rare.
Day 2: Is it illegal if you google it?/whatever happened to metal coat hangers?
It is just for research purposes. No decisions are being made here and information is never bad. Just use the private browser option, take that NSA! So where were we? Yes… research. There sure is a lot on Facebook, cannot be worth the trouble of creating a whole new account to ask about. You could go across the border, that’s probably good for appearances but as a medical option, might as well download this lady’s DIY video.
Day 3: On the bright side
You can read Harry Potter a thousand more times and it won’t be weird. Plus couple costumes with a kid kick ass! Alcohol will be missed but you can eat double/triple portions of everything for an entire year. Also, goodbye palates. Can’t get better than letting yourself go, you say? You never have to stand anywhere where there are seats, there will be no line you cannot skip, and you’ll have a living, breathing excuse to never turn up to anything for at least eighteen years.
Day 4: The call
It seems best to ease into it. Start by tagging him in a photo of a cute young family. That will seem weird but not crazy. Or appeal to his strongly held beliefs. ‘You remember telling me about how crazy expensive college is? Well you will not believe what other thing costs nearly as much.’
Write him a letter, people don’t do that anymore.
Day 5: Blood.
Wait, what is that? It said the uterus would expand and that might be uncomfortable. No. No. You know this pain. This is no expansion. There are contractions causing motherfucking cramps. Hallelujah!